I COULD NOT HAVE SUNK ANY LOWER SO I GAVE UP ALCOHOL ... FOREVER

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Melbourne woman Donna Groves has undergone an amazing wellbeing journey, which she shares in her new book Shine. It's an empowering story of her journey to become a better version of herself; of a woman who found the strength to face her demons, and how she learned o live with grief. Here, in an edited extract, Donna talks about why she made the all-important step to give up alcohol - forever.

I could not have sunk any lower and survived. I don’t know what made me take that step toward the light, but my beginning was a 30-day alcohol-free challenge.

I’m highly competitive and love a challenge, and that was all it took for me to start. It wasn’t easy at all. I did a group program and was actually one of the mildest drinkers there, but it was way too much for me.

Some women had stories that horrified me, but that didn’t mean they were worse than me. It just meant that their rock bottom looked different to mine.

I didn’t start the challenge to give up drinking. I did it to have a break and to think deeply about what I wanted in life.

I didn’t think I had a problem with alcohol, but I didn’t want to follow many of my family members down that well-trodden alcohol-abuse path.

I, who had always detested alcoholism and had suffered greatly at the hands of those suffering from it, couldn’t quite believe that I was there, that I could possibly have a problem.

So I denied it, and I blamed everyone else. But I accepted that it was my choice to drink, therefore it was my choice to stop. So I stopped. I agreed to stop for 30 days and do the challenge. That was in April 2021. I haven’t drunk since.

Giving up alcohol or other crutches opens the door for the ‘feels’, and they come thick and fast. There is no masking it, so the rawness and vulnerability come right to the surface. It can be confronting, isolating and extremely hard work, but it’s the work you need to do.

It’s very important not to rush this time. To sit with the pain. To acknowledge it. To connect to yourself. To not focus blame on others, but accept responsibility for our own healing.

What happened, happened. Have those difficult conversations. Ask why, if you can safely. Forgive if you can. At least try to understand and then release the sadness and pain.

Once acknowledged, you can set it free. It takes time and courage, but it is possible to truly transform and become whole. We have to acknowledge all the pieces of ourselves before we can become whole.

The mother-daughter split is at the core of many women’s wounds, and certainly mine. This can be our physical mother or mother nature, the divine feminine.

Author Donna Groves

These wounds can run deep, and seeking understanding and truly examining those feelings can open up the door to true transformation.

Being what is psychologically called an unmothered daughter, I sought recognition and approval from my inner father and the patriarchal rules that govern our society.

Part of my healing is in mothering my own daughters. By giving them the mothering I felt I missed out on, I am healing my deep mother-daughter split wound.

It was also in having a deep and truthful conversation with my mother during the final edits of this book that I found understanding and empathy, and with that came forgiveness.

I can’t change the past, but by understanding the circumstances of my own mother’s life, I found healing for myself and my family.

Many of my assumptions were not correct, and I found when I asked the questions with kindness, I received the answers I needed to hear. I also accepted my part in the mother-daughter split. I found a path forward.

The consequences of not feeling

There is an old fable that has stuck with me for a long time. I can’t remember its origin: my memory says it’s an Irish story, but I’m not sure I can trust that. Anyway, it goes like this:

There was once a faraway land. Everything was perfect. There was no sickness, poverty or unemployment.

Everyone was ravishingly beautiful and could eat whatever they wanted without any adverse effects.

There were no tears, and there was no pain, no yelling and no screaming. No one hurt anyone else. No one swore. There was no illness and no death.

Nobody breached the rules. There was an abundance of food and water. All needs and wants were met without effort.

But there was a problem. The problem was that because there was no pain, there was no joy. Because there was no struggle, there was no happiness.

Life isn’t about perfection; it’s about the journey. We know joy because we’ve felt pain. We know life because we’ve felt grief. We live because of the struggle. It’s part of our journey.

This is an edited text from Donna Groves new book Shine, which is available for sale now. Donna is the Founder and Managing Director of international consulting firm, Comacon .